I woke up....I'm not even exactly excited about today but I am alive, thank God. I just woke up wondering why sometimes I am what I detest lol. I complain about my mum a lot yet I see a lot of her in myself.
Growing up I was damn withdrawn from my mum for the fact that she nags and wld always report me to people; yeah I couldn't trust her so I could never tell her anything, I'd rather depend on friends or sulk it all up. I was too scared of my mother scared to the point that I couldn't tell her whenever I needed something like a new pair of socks, Biro etc it was that bad. Strangely I am an only child that should be dotted on.
......So was talking with my daughter yesterday she complained that I keep reporting her wrong doings to people and I always make references to past deeds despite her apologies.
My mum is super sensitive and confides In people a lot also I realised I need to talk to people for healing. She most times cannot differentiate BTW who to and who not to cross lines with. I am beginning to see that trait in myself too and imagine now I give her excuses for being that way just because I am that way.
Monday, March 4, 2019
Forgiveness is so hard, its about the most difficult thing on earth; I never knew how difficult it is. I use to be damn judgemental n crazy about people for being unforgiven. Forgiveness hmmmm. How to deal with the forget part is a different ball game entirely....
How do I let it go? The crazy thing about being unforgiven is how we punish our own soul as they say for others mistakes. How do I let it go? It feels like the pain won't go away. I want to move past this monster called pain. Its there. Its In my heart it stares @me. It goes everywhere with me. Sometimes it gets better but that's if nothing triggers it.
Everyone says let it go yeah I wanna let it go, move past it yeah I wanna move past it, go off the meds yeah I wanna go off the meds but how do I? Everyone says think about the beautiful things and people around you yeah I am but sadly they have been unable to make me forgive let alone forget.
I want the tears to stop I want to stop indulging in self pity I want to bring peace and solace to my self and loved ones; I totally forgot how it feels like to be happy.....everyone calls me strong, they all say I'm a super woman but I think I'm the weakest person on earth. I find strength from talking to loved ones. Lie in bed is all I want to do; I go to work and all I look forward to is get home n lock myself in.....
Ironically it is so easy for me to fix people but it has been the most difficult thing for me to fix my own self. Why is the world so cruel? I'm being judged for being so kind I'm bin judged for putting people first I'm being judged for being selfless.
First blog ever.
How do I let it go? The crazy thing about being unforgiven is how we punish our own soul as they say for others mistakes. How do I let it go? It feels like the pain won't go away. I want to move past this monster called pain. Its there. Its In my heart it stares @me. It goes everywhere with me. Sometimes it gets better but that's if nothing triggers it.
Everyone says let it go yeah I wanna let it go, move past it yeah I wanna move past it, go off the meds yeah I wanna go off the meds but how do I? Everyone says think about the beautiful things and people around you yeah I am but sadly they have been unable to make me forgive let alone forget.
I want the tears to stop I want to stop indulging in self pity I want to bring peace and solace to my self and loved ones; I totally forgot how it feels like to be happy.....everyone calls me strong, they all say I'm a super woman but I think I'm the weakest person on earth. I find strength from talking to loved ones. Lie in bed is all I want to do; I go to work and all I look forward to is get home n lock myself in.....
Ironically it is so easy for me to fix people but it has been the most difficult thing for me to fix my own self. Why is the world so cruel? I'm being judged for being so kind I'm bin judged for putting people first I'm being judged for being selfless.
First blog ever.
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